Dr. Gabor Mate talks about two basic human needs: to belong (attach) and to be authentic. The minute our authenticity jeopardizes our belonging, we abandon ourselves to conform to community (i.e. mom and dad).
Think back to childhood when a parent said something like:
“Don’t be selfish. You need to share with others.”
“Stop crying, there is nothing to be afraid of.”
“No, you can’t have that. You’ll break it.”
Notice how that feels in your body. Your mind might be like, “It is good to share and of course a child doesn’t know how to handle something that is breakable.” All valid points AND during those moments in your childhood you felt wrong or even bad. Being yourself as a child was not acceptable and therefore you needed to behavior in a way that was acceptable to be loved and feel safe.
I remember as an 11 year old I wanted a Descente ski outfit. Many teammates had them and when I got to borrow one, I always felt warmer and comfortable compared to the more affordable ski outfit I had. So, I saved my allowance until I had enough to buy one. One of my parents told me I was wasting my money. They were so disappointed in me. This threaten my sense of belonging. AND it created a fear of wanting quality things..as if it was bad to want quality things.
Think about the dream we are told we should want…. home, kids, car and pet. Isn’t this everyone’s dream?
Nope! And yet we are unconsciously conditioned to believe it is.
We are all unique and have different wants and needs. But yet you are seen as if something is wrong with you for not wanting these things. In my early thirties a guy at a social event said to me, “Wow, you are beautiful, successful and over 30 yet you are not married and don’t have kids. What is wrong with you?” Back then I did think something was wrong with me. I had bought into the idea that I needed to conform in order to belong. I lost my true self.
Our authentic self is our true self…it is our free self. And for each of us that looks different. Over the course of our lifetime we’ve put layers and layers over who we truly are.
Take a moment and think about a memory in your childhood where you felt truly free. Close your eyes to connect deeper to the sensations. This feeling and sense of freedom is where we want to come back to.
Much Love & Light,