No matter how much I trusted…
The story was always the same
I share this story and my process in hopes to give you both insight and inspiration on how to shift these stories that each of us unconsciously create and are dictating our lives. Often times we don’t even realize they are there until we start the excavation process.
I have been working on creating conscious healthy relationships in my life which includes the relationship with myself. When I started this journey to create conscious healthy relationships I had to look at what was currently showing up and how I was currently showing up to create this pattern.
Dr. Joe Dispenza often says, “Your Personality creates Your Personal Reality.”
Naturally I wanted to look at both my personal reality and my personality to understand how I was creating these same situations. Not from the place of blame or guilt but from the place of responsibility and empowerment. I knew I was not intentionally trying to seek out relationships where I would feel hurt and betrayed AND I wanted to understand how I was creating this so I could create something different.
I first noticed that how I was showing up in these relationships was anxious. I was anxious for the other shoe to drop, I was anxious they would leave, I was anxious I was not good enough, etc… AND I thought the antidote for this was TRUST.
I threw myself into trusting them no matter what. Any time I had a doubt I chalked it up to me being anxious, to my own fears of feeling hurt again. I trusted not only my romantic partners but also with friends and business partners. I assumed the issue was that I just didn’t trust them and all I needed to do was trust more. And as I felt hurt and betrayed with each of them, I just thought that I didn’t trust them enough.
As you can imagine this started to feel exhausting. I dug a little deeper and started to realize that I was not trusting myself enough. I was not trusting myself to help me determine who was trustworthy and who was not.
I started evaluating new people coming into my life. I would feel into the person and situation to determine if I felt I could trust them. I would connect with my body around a new person and when the feeling felt good, exciting and safe, I would move forward with the relationship. This makes sense but what happened was the same old pattern. I continued to feel hurt and betrayed with the people I was choosing.
Why?
Inevitably I chose people that were familiar to what I knew, to my underlying story. Familiar feels safe, exciting and often good. It can trick us into thinking that we are choosing differently. If I hadn’t truly experienced trust with those closet to me then how would I ever be able to choose those who are trustworthy?
I begun to realize two things:
1.) I needed to create a new story. I could not just change my actions without first changing the story. The story was like an operating program that needed to produce the same results.
2.) I needed to TRUST the new story. This is where my trust truly needed to be. Part of my journey in trusting my new story has been letting go of my old story through inner child work. It is easier to trust the new story when you heal the old story. The second thing I have done is look for examples of trustworthy people where love and support resides. This has helped me to become familiar with the new story so that I can chose based on this new story.
The new story I am creating is that I have trustworthy people in my life and I feel love and support with those closest to me. And I am learning to trust this new story more and more each day.
Much Love & Light,
Kerri-Ann
