Let Go of the Person, Keep the Lesson

I made a commitment over a year ago to forgive my ex and see him as love and light.

That was a bold undertaking but I knew three things to be true:
I wanted to heal
I wanted to let go
I wanted to trust myself

Healing was number one priority for me. I was never going to let go or trust myself again if I still had an open wound and felt massive amounts of pain. I would have stayed stuck in victimhood and tried to spiritual bypass my way to forgiveness. I had to feel through the pain in order to free myself.

Just deciding to forgive without healing the wound is stuffing the emotion away until a rainy day — the day it gets triggered again. Often when people take this approach, myself included, we do our best to avoid a situation that would trigger it. Which often leads to that situation showing up more and more until you are either living in a cave or you heal it and then it stops following you.

You ever notice those repeated patterns in your life. They keep showing up because it is like a magnet attracting its other half to feel whole again. Once you heal it you stop attracting.

The letting go was so much easier once the bleeding stopped and the pain subsided. I knew I didn’t want to carry around the energy of this relationship into my future. Finding forgiveness is not about condoning the behavior. It is not saying that it was okay because you want to forget about it and move on or you understand why they did what they did. Forgiveness is letting go of the judgement you placed on what happened, on the other person and on yourself.

There as a point about 7 months ago where I no longer needed to judge him or myself. Trust me, there was a lot of judgement towards myself for getting into the situation I did. In order to let go of the energy around the situation I need to let go of the judgement I placed on everything. I could feel the energy release the day when I was ready let go. It felt like a giant exhale after holding your breath for a long time.

I couldn’t see him as love and light. That took longer to reach. I just saw him as nothing…neither good or bad. I believe that everyone is love & light at their core. If I wanted to trust myself again I knew I needed learn to trust in that belief.

What a journey the last 7 months has been because what I realized is all the parts of him that I didn’t see as love or light were shadow parts of me. Denied aspects of myself. For example: manipulation. I had to look at where I have manipulated others. Like realizing how much manipulation is used in fundraising and that I was a part of that. Or how most of us as children manipulated our parents to get our needs met or to protect ourselves.

I could only see him as love and light when I could finally own all the aspects within me that I didn’t like about him.

During the Full Moon Circle I hosted this week there was a moment where I was guided to find a list he wrote in my notebook. At that moment I knew I had done it…I could finally see him as love and light. It was mirror back the love and light within me.

As you can see there were a lot of lessons learned over the last year or so. I am grateful I made the commitment to forgive him and to seeing him as love and light.

Now onward and upward for me…to the next adventure.

Much Love & Light,
Kerri-Ann
www.kerri-ann.com

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