I should have known
“I should have known”, this statement used to elicit a visceral reaction in my body. I felt a tightness in my chest and I wanted to run away and hide. It hit one of my core wounds and narratives of “I am unimportant and insignificant”.
These core wounds and narratives unconsciously create our thoughts, habits and behaviors that perpetually create our personal reality. When we have a deep core wound we form strategies to avoid feeling the pain of that wound ever again.
One of my strategies based off this core wound was to know as much as I could, to always do the “right” thing, to be great at everything I did. At a young age I was praised and acknowledged by my parents as the child that did things “right”. I felt important and significant.
I had to keep doing the “right” thing which meant knowing the “right” answer to continue to feel important and significant. I needed to be perfect and hold everything together constantly because it is how I avoided feeling that deep wound from childhood.
In some ways this strategy benefitted me. I became very organized and through at things. I dived into understanding how things work and why they work that way. I became great at my craft whether is was ballet, being vegan, fundraising, scaling an organization, conscious communication and even coaching.
The downside was that I burned myself out of many jobs and projects, self-care didn’t really exist, I struggled to receive support and missed out on many opportunities because I couldn’t be seen as not knowing or not having the answer. I had to work hard to keep up the facade I was living. The need to be seen as important and significant.
AND when I failed at something I unconsciously punished myself for not knowing how to do something or for making a mistake.
This is why the statement “I should have known” or “you should have known” used to create a tightness in my chest.
The process out of this is through it. It is having awareness of how we are creating our realities through unconscious narratives based on experiences we had in the past. It is having compassion for ourselves as we go through this process. It is forgiving ourselves for the thoughts, feels and actions we took unknowingly. Lastly it is choosing to live by a new narrative.
This is the work to become free!
Much Love & Light,